I knew I had already passed my chemistry and sociology classes, because the instructors told me my grade I got in the class. Math however, was still unknown which made me become very nervous and worrisome. Math hasn’t really been my strong side, and I still find myself struggling from time to time. This quarter I made it my goal to go to the MRC (Math Resource Center) and got help on problems or concepts I didn’t understand. If the tutors couldn’t help me, then I went to my professors office hours and he helped explain it more clearer. This helped me in the long run not just in the class, but also with my stress levels. I just found out a few minutes ago that I passed all of my classes for college this quarter! Now I can relax for my rectification for my soccer referee badge tonight.
I wanted to ask you a question as I wrap-up. Would you mind if I posted my sociology paper, it’s about this blog and how much we’ve our blog has grown and how we’ve been able to help and inspire people from all around the world? If so just say “yes” in the comments and I’ll post it.
It’s finally over
No more stress
No more anxiety
This week is known by many names
Coffee chugging week
But its known more simply as
Many of us are done with them
Some of us still have more to go
I just finished mine today
Now comes the fun part
Waiting to see your grade
Hopefully I don’t go insane
A bright and warm day in Hawaii
The peace and tranquility were numbing
No one expected anything was amiss
Boats were docked in the calm harbor
Planes roared overhead but were assumed to be allies
Little did they know that was far from the truth
As the hours passed spotters say planes in formations
They thought nothing of it
Then the bombs dropped
Everyone was in complete shock
The Japanese had just attacked Pearl Harbor
Many lives were lost on this day
Some of us were even their to witness it
War is a terrible thing
Today will be remembered by all
A date which will live in infamy
Credit for this post goes to Rehan Nasir.
I wanted to explain further one of my FAQ points on my blog. Item no. 8.
Here’s the background story.
When I first looked at the agenda for the all-hands engineering department meeting in about a month, I saw there would be “Introductions.” I took a deep breath and knew already what was going to happen. I pictured the hell in my mind, the room of dozens staring at me, the quiet hum of the air conditioner in a hotel conference room with uncomfortable furniture, ugly tables, plenty of water, and the simple expectation of an introduction. Who are you? And why should we care?
I’ve been stuttering for years, and like almost everybody else who stutters, I have a really hard time saying my name. It’ll come out, but it’ll take its damn sweet time.
I ran the hellish scenario over and over again in my mind. But then I walked into the hotel conference room three weeks later and was overjoyed. There were at least a hundred people in there. All from the engineering staff of my company and our client. There’s no way, I thought. No way they’re going to introduce every single person in here. And besides, it’s been a few months that we’ve all been working with each other. Everyone who needs to know someone already knows their name.
As part of the consulting group, my boss told us to mingle with the client and try to sit next to someone we didn’t know. To me, this request was a total joke. I would never even consider going up to any of these folks and introducing myself. If someone wanted to introduce me, I’m all for it. But the inability to say my name really hinders many spontaneous social networking aspects of life. Nonetheless, I sat down near some people who I didn’t know in case my boss was looking. I put down my computer, and decided a soda would be a nice way to start the day. As I walked to the back of the room while everybody was still getting settled, I became even more overjoyed and relieved. Nametags. And there was mine. No need to say my name. I clipped mine on and made sure it could easily be read by others. I was tempted to draw a bar above the e so people would pronounce it correctly. I took my chair in the middle of the row, popped open the can and looked forward to two days of meetings without having to worry too much about actual work.
I sat, as I usually do, near the back of the room. Not all the way in the back, but close enough where I couldn’t easily be picked on. All the rows were outfitted with the same flimsy tables, turned over fake crystal water glass, pitcher of ice water, pen, pad, and some candy. The chairs were conference room class, a small step above buffet restaurant. I said hello to a few people I knew, and tried to look busy by scribbling down ideas and tasks for work as I waited.
As the room eased into their chairs, and the speakers started, I paid close attention to what was being said since our client relationship was still relatively young. This two-day off site was very important. The point of the workshop was to bring everybody together on the new workflow process and to answer questions about its use during engineering projects. As a project manager, I was familiar with the process, but interested in how the manufacturing plants were subscribing to it. The organizer then said he’d introduce the speakers, and started to give a short background on each of them. So this is what they meant by introductions. I leaned back in my chair and took another sip of soda. I had gotten away with one. Just as I started to think about other things, the organizer asked that the finance people at the plants stand up and introduce themselves. A microphone was being passed around.
I started to worry.
Not a lot of the engineering staff knew the finance folks, so maybe this is just a one-off group to be introduced. There weren’t too many of them, either. Maybe a dozen or more. Now the corporate engineering leadership was being asked to stand up as well. My heart started to speed up slightly. Maybe they’ll forget about the consultants. And why not? We’re just the little people. Not even part of the — oh, ok, so now the rest of the engineering staff is being asked to stand up, including the consultants. I started looking for the exits. I wondered if it would be obvious to anyone there if I suddenly left. My palms started to sweat, and I took another nervous chug of my soda while standing up.
I thought again very seriously about just walking out. There are times when I know I can maybe say my name, and times when I know it is just not going to happen. This hell was the latter, and they even started in the back of the room, closest to me. The microphone was gaining speed as people introduced themselves. Seriously, nobody else in here stutters? So much for statistics.
I tried to take deep breaths, and wasn’t paying any attention to any of the names. I was half turned around, because I didn’t want to be totally caught off guard when the microphone showed up. Nearly a hundred people were either standing or sitting in front of me, facing the back of the room, watching others perform the simple task of stating their name, title, and what plant they were from. Every technique that I’ve learned is considered the moments before a demand like this. But as soon as the warm microphone touched my hand, the tension within peaked. My breathing was tight, and I gasped for some air. Visualizing anything became impossible. I told myself to pause and breathe but couldn’t. I knew exactly how loud the speakers were and how much my handicap would be broadcast across the room.
I can sit in my car on a 10-hour trip and spend the whole time saying my name out loud to myself without stuttering once. I do these exercises a lot when I’m driving for a meeting when I know I’ll be put on the spot. I try to figure out the shape my mouth makes when the sound comes out on its own. I try to determine where my tongue should be to form the word. I say it quickly and then slowly. Over and over again. And I don’t ever stutter. All of that goes away in an instant, and a full block of the sound starts. The block is like a weight on your vocal cords that must slowly be pushed to the side with a long, drawn out syllable. The heavier the weight and more stressful the situation, the more energy and sound needed to push it away. More often than not, the weight is spring-loaded. As soon as you’ve pushed it out of the way and got into the clear, it jumps right back and prevents the last name from flowing out easily. There are rarely good days with my name. On the best days, the weights just disappear. On regular days it’s a mental dance around the weights. Words can be avoided entirely, but still need a feasible synonym.
As I brought the microphone to my mouth, I was sweating. When you’re asked to say your name, there’s not supposed to be a delay. Why would there be? I started into my first name as soon as I could, knowing I had to, and as the first syllable started to drag out, the female engineer standing in the row in front of me just laughed. Laughed. The whole room was quiet, me holding this microphone, trying to stutter out my name, and her laughter. This registered as one of the most humiliating responses to my stuttering ever.
As always, the name came out, followed by my title of project manager and my company’s name. I didn’t even bother trying to get the last name out. I rarely do. It’s just as bad and equally worthless since there’s never a name even close to mine that might cause confusion.
I handed off the microphone, took another breath, and mentally checked out for the next few minutes. I avoided any eye contact. I wasn’t sure if I felt eyes on me from behind. I started to wonder about what other people thought of me. What the people right around me thought. Maybe they thought I was just nervous. The ones that have never met me might have thought I had some language issue. Is English even his first language? Maybe in his language, they pronounce his name differently.
I was put off for most of the rest of the meeting. I couldn’t stop thinking about what had just happened.
This all happened about five years ago, and things for me are very different. I’m more comfortable with my stutter. I’m not sure how different things would have panned out today, but I’d like to think that I’d have been upset enough to confront the person who laughed at me.
I’m thankful for my family,
I’m thankful for my friends,
I’m thankful for my opportunities,
I’m thankful for the tools that I have,
I’m thankful to be where I am today,
I’m thankful for the man I’ve become,
I’m thankful for life,
I’m thankful for my eyesight,
I’m thankful for the memories,
I’m thankful to be sharing this with you.
The storm of finals is fast approaching.
The only classes that I really have to study for are math and chemistry. My sociology final is a 750-1000 word paper, which I can do that in about two days. This quarter has provided me with new-found confidence in my math skills. Growing up I wasn’t really to good at or fond of it, however since my math correlates with my chemistry (especially conversions) its enjoyable and dare I say fun! Even my test scores are becoming better and the information I’m learning ties into my major.
Speaking of test scores…
Today I’m very happy (no pumped) to say that not only did I ace my chemistry test, I also got an A on my math test! OH MY GOD AHHHHHH!! Sorry about that. Here’s to continuing good fortune and positivist. I hope everyone is enjoying their relaxing week/weekend before the chaos of Thanksgiving and Christmas steamroll over us.
The title is off of a song but as always, there is a meaning behind it. The song is mostly relaxing and chilled. I listen to it if I get the wrong feels or too much anxiety. Surprisingly my stuttering is calming down, but I sort of missed it. Its like my odd sidekick and it has helped me bypass a lot of issues and problems. Stuttering might be the sloppy part of me but I like it. You can’t truly love yourself unless you like the good and bad of you. That might sound a little cliche but its the truth.
I can also say that being bold is not my strong point, Im really quiet unless I really like talking to someone, then all that shy and anxiety goes out the window. The mind is strong and holds the power of making you say or do stuff without you even realizing it, its really awesome and fascinating. Just like leaders, be living in yourself and a good heart can get you pretty far in life to the point where others look at you as a example. Nobody’s perfect but u can be that person that somebody needs because were all connected but in diffrent ways. Well as always stay toasty my friends and stay FABULOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two weekends ago I had to center referee two very competitive boys matches, who just so happened to be rival teams.
The Angry Player
My first game I refereed was a rivalry between Kent United and Seattle United. Which meant it was going to be a grudge match. The boys started off very well, playing the ball and not flopping on the ground. This changed in the last 15 minutes of the game. Player #11 from Seattle United started to become more aggressive because surprise surprise, his team was losing. He committed two fouls which I warned him if he does it again he will be booked. This didn’t register with him apparently, because five minutes later he shoved a defender down to the ground. Well he just booked himself a one-way-ticket to “Cautionville”.
Excuse me what did you say?
There’s no secret that what a coach says or does in a game, reflects upon his/hers players. I should know, I’ve been in their cleats before. I’ll skip the second games recap of the first half as it was 4-0, with the losing coach hollering the whole time for fouls. In the 65th minute of the match (out of 70) Player J commits a foul on a defensive player, and is furious that I called it. Player J then walks up to me and says, “F*ck you referee!” I was shocked. Now I had no choice but to give him a caution, even though I could’ve sent him off. Just another day at the office.
Instincts are a very special feeling that nobody really knows or notices. I had a instinct that has been like a mocking bird in my head. The girl that I have been writing about, I really like her and not in a cliche way or in the movies. Yea it has been nearly 2 months of me talking to her and it there had been some bumpy roads because of the homework and stress but its been awesome. Also on another thing, she told me about her past and here is what I have to say about it. I dont care what she did, who she used to be, and where she came from.
All I care about is who she is now and I like the stories she tells me about her daughter and they have been really funny and cute. The reason why im saying this is because at the end of the quarter im going to tell her how I feel about het, might be the 2nd craziest thing I have done but I see it as a moment or a opportunity and some say that once you see a opportunity take it because u never want to regret it. Might as well do something courageous instead of being that guy who is always quiet or holds in there emotions. I find her attractive, not just for looks but for her personality and sense humor. Seriously she is funny when she trys to be serious and I have no idea how im going to do it because I never been 100 percent honest with a girl and she has friends who are guys and they proably like her or talk to her more than me, so I might be doing something over my head but im tired of fear controlling my decisions,so I might crash and burn but atleast I will go out with style :D .
Also instead of calling her THE GIRL, her name is actually Myleea. As always stay toasty my friends and stay FABULOUS!!!!!!!!!
On this day we remember
For those who went over the top
On this day we mourn
For those who rushed into the open
On this day we rejoice
For when they came home
On this day we will never forget
For those that are still lost
Many have given the ultimate sacrifice
Honor and remember them
Lest We Forget